More confident conversations – plus some verbal self-defence

The theme of 2025 International Women’s Day is to Accelerate Action for gaining equality. According to the World Economic Forum it will take until 2158 – five generations – to reach gender parity. 

One way to accelerate action is enabling women to contribute more easily in conversation. As a 2nd Dan Black Belt Mixed Martial Artist, I see being more confident in conversations as ‘verbal self-defence’. 

We all know that being a project or programme professional sometimes means having challenging conversations. Research has shown that women still fare less well with difficult workplace conversations than men; in fact, they’re three times more likely to be interrupted (McKinsey 2017) and are more likely to have their opinions challenged. 

Challenging conversations for any project manager might include: 

• managing conflict between stakeholders, internally or externally 
• explaining why quality criteria has fallen short 
• providing negative feedback to underperforming team members 
• discussing expectations or scope changes 
• delivering bad news about overrunning budgets or project delays or compromised deadlines 
• discussing deliverables that don't meet quality standards. 

When people (and women especially) experience having to work harder in conversations, the impacts can include time wasted due to couching a topic rather than straight-talking, extra stress and not raising alarms about risk early enough due to over-thinking/over-planning. 

If you’re in danger of finding dialogue more difficult than it needs to be, here are some hints in conversation to get ahead: 

1. In person, claim space by sitting at the table or the front in meetings, not ‘hiding’ at the back. Go in intending to contribute.  
2. For an online group meeting, speak up early before it feels harder. As an ally, encourage women by asking if they have anything to add.  
3. Instead of asking permission using ‘May I add…’ say ‘I’d add that…’ or ‘I suggest…’ 
4. Stop saying sorry. Just deliver your opinion, with ‘Here’s my input…’  or ‘My thinking is…’ 
5. When challenged or asked ‘Are you sure about that?’ before feeling the need to give evidence to qualify your opinion, try ‘What makes you ask?’ 
6. When interrupted, try ‘Excuse me, I'd like to finish my thought, then I'd love to hear your feedback.’  Or be an ally and suggest ‘Let’s hear her finish what she was saying.’ 
7. When someone oversteps the mark, set boundaries using ‘I’m not comfortable with that, and I’d like to keep the focus on...’ 
8. If there’s an unreasonable action request, learn to start a sentence with ‘No’, then pause – without adding a reason – but explaining that ‘It’s not a current priority.’ 
9. If a comment or decision feels biased or unclear, ask for clarification: ‘Can you help me understand why this decision was made?’ 

If you’re concerned about seeming aggressive, then smile as you speak. It lifts your tone and looks confident and approachable.  

These techniques all save a lot of project management time, in person, by phone and in writing. To create a helpful mindset, we can feel bolstered when aiming to be respected for the value we offer instead of trying to be liked for our behaviours and characteristics.  

Try listening for women – or anyone - using less powerful phrases, and maybe just ask yourself why they feel they had to use such (and, often, so many) words. Allies are vital to help accelerate action.  

Share these hints with someone who might appreciate them.  

In project management, adjusting our habits can make life easier and projects more fluid. Whether dealing with a conversation around scope creep, handling someone’s high emotions, or not thinking straight under unusual stressful conditions, make sure to keep your verbal self-defence up to maximise the chances of getting the right outcome. 

 

You may also be interested in:

• APM Women in Project Management Interest Network
• APM Women in Project Management Conference
• Accelerating action: Breaking barriers and building bridges in project management