How to say no as a busy project professional

How often do you feel out of control of your workload? How often do a client’s extra demands make a mockery of your carefully planned project schedules?

Perhaps it’s time to take back control of your to-do list and impose some boundaries around what you can and cannot achieve. But this is easier said than done, because invariably it means having to say no to people. Sometimes this is OK, but often it’s an uncomfortable or seemingly impossible thing to do.

I asked Dr Lise Vesterlund, a Professor of Economics at the University of Pittsburgh and co-author of The No Club, for her advice on how to say no the right way.

Q. What’s the right way to say no to a work request?

We recommend using William Ury’s positive no, which is a “yes, no, yes” approach that shows respect for yourself and the person asking. The first yes is a yes to yourself by recognising and expressing your needs and values. The no asserts your agency and personal power by saying no and providing a brief explanation why. And the second yes furthers the relationship by finding something to say yes to.

The “yes, no, yes” response is a simple recipe that helps you decline, but also helps recommend a solution. You know the organisation from a different perspective and can offer solutions that the requester may not be aware of. It also makes clear your implicit no of taking on the assignment, and makes clear to the person asking what your cost is of taking on the assignment (here doing work that is more highly valued by the organisation).

Q. What should you definitely not do?

This depends on who you are. The response to someone declining a task depends on who you are and whether you are expected to say yes. Our research shows that when it comes to non-promotable tasks, the tasks that benefit the organisation but don’t advance your career, women more than men are asked to take on the task, say yes to doing the work and even volunteer for it. All because we collectively expect them to say yes.

These expectations impact your ability to just say no. Work by Heilman and Chen shows that the perception of a man who says no is the same as that of a man who was never asked. By contrast women are expected to say yes and be penalised if they say no. So just saying no can result in backlash for women.

Q. How do you decide what to say no to?

A critical step is to understand the request. What is the task you are being asked to do? Is it work that can advance your career and work that you will enjoy doing? Is it work that you would prefer that someone else do? What is the cost of you saying yes? What is your implicit no? Second, consider who is asking you. Would you be able to say no if you wanted to? What are the consequences of doing so? Third, eliminate the wrong reasons for saying yes. Our book lists a whole bunch of these, and they will vary for everyone. Determining why you often end up saying yes when you want to say no will help you decide when to decline requests.

Q. Is it OK to say no to your boss or an important client? If so, how do you go about doing it without damaging your relationship?

There are many cases where a no isn’t appropriate. Working with your boss to understand where your efforts are most valued and needed will help you navigate requests. Your boss wants you to allocate your time in the best way possible, and they may have to be the one declining a request from an important client on your behalf.

Q. Why do so many of us struggle to say no? And why do we feel guilty about it?

Our ability to say no is influenced by the expectations others have of us. It is easier to decline a request if you are not expected to say yes. Our work shows that men and women think very differently about declining requests to take on non-promotable tasks. While men think about what is in it for them, the number one emotion reported by women is guilt. Guilt because women have internalised the expectation that they should say yes. Guilt because they are unsure if others will step in and do the work.

Q. Are there only so many times you can say no?

There is a limit to how many requests you can decline. While it is important to steer toward promotable work – work that is visible, requires your specialised skills and is seen as instrumental to the organisation – it is also important to be a team player. No one wants a colleague who always says no to non-promotable work.

What are the upsides of saying no?

The upside to saying no is that it frees up time for another yes. A yes to a task that is more advantageous for your career, a yes to your family and to yourself.